Can I Apply For A Job As A Rich Woman?

Here is my application:

Name: Magda Madison
Contact Information: magsmadisonATyahooDOTcom

What experience do you have being rich?

• Flew first class to the west coast. I handled myself quite maturely when I realized Bonnie Hunt was seated two rows behind me.

• Searched online for Mercedes cars.

• Know someone who has a Rolex.

• An avid watcher of Santa Barbara.

• Experience trying on diamonds.

• Cleaned a house in a gated community.

How do you plan on keeping a high profile?




Ok. That's easy, I will make sure to have plastic surgery, eat at Taco Bell and break windows with golf clubs.
I will volunteer for a reality show, where I will go bra-less and adopt some kids from another country.
I will change my name at least twice, change my hair at least weekly and only wear red--it will be my trademark.
During slow times, I will be prepared to go commando.


What causes will you champion?

• Anything remotely related to an illness
  
• the Beverly Hills Public Library
  
• the Association for Hybrid Bentleys.

How will you maintain your lifestyle?

Simple. I will hire someone to maintain it for me.


Who will your friends be?

• Sally Struthers
  
• Bob Saget
  
• Meridith Baxter (she's all the rage, ya know!)
• Carol Burnett
• Perez Hilton (I just love her!)

(photo credits: char1iej, Swamibu, FunnyTivoFace, birdtoes)

My Weekly Swear Chart

Swears overheard in church: 3

My out loud swears:approx. 300

Swears said in my head:approx. 4, 572

Gestural Swears: 2

Swears during traffic: 13

Times I've sworn at work:approx. 203

Swears aimed toward a certain PERSON: 28

Swears aimed toward myself: 397

Online swears: 27

Number of bloggers I follow who swear in posts: 6

Grumbled Swears: 5,814

T e x t swearing: 99

Swears on TV: 8

Extended family induced swears: 9,650

Accidental-on-purpose swears: 26

F-Bombs dropped around my mother: 49

F-Bombs dropped BY my mother: 112

Swears while writing this post: 7

Boss related swears out loud: 0

Boss related swears held in: I forget

The Critter Journal Part 1

Day 1

I just discovered ants in my stairs leading to my family room. This slightly freaks me out because:

1. I HATE bugs in my house
2. They are a few feet from my kitchen
3. I have children who will probably get into mischief with the little critters
4. They give me the creepy crawlies.

But, in pure Madison denial mode, I am sure it is an isolated incident and so I shall just forget about them for a few days.

Day 4

The ants have been busy. Or should I say, gettin busy, as there are now easily twice as many as before. In general I'm always happy when someone, anyone, really, is getting a little something-something, but in this case, eewwwwww. But wait a minute, do ants even have sex?

As one of my kids so smartly pointed out, "Mommy there are probably a kagillion ant eggs under the house." OK, now I am thoroughly grossed out. I made DH clean them up with my nontoxic counter spray and told my kids, "no more talking about the ants."

Day 9

I was about to go up to bed when DH came in from the garage carrying a small cardboard box from the recycling bin. He had a weird look on his face. A look I had seen before. I began slightly panicking, but managed to stumble out the words, "It's, is it alive?", as he walked into the family room.

The conversation then went like this:

Him "Yes, it's black and furry and -"

Me "I don't want to hear another word. I'm effing outta here."

Him "Where are you going?'

Me "I don't know." I contemplated the backseat of my car, but felt guilty that the kids wouldn't fit. I considered a hotel, but they also freak me out a little.

Following me upstairs, he said, "But what should I do?"

Me "I don't effing care what the f*^k you do, just effing take care of it!"

Him "But should I get a trap? What's open right now?"

I'm like look, I am an excellent problem solver, I can walk you through a diaper rash emergency, which vegetables to cook with dinner and trouble shooting the internet connection. BUT I DRAW THE LINE HERE. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

He was clearly mad. So was I. I mean, I consider myself to be a feminist, but I had a bad experience with a mouse once that clearly traumatized me.

Day 10
I polled the gals at work. EVERY one totally agreed with me that DH should handle this on his own. Some even visibly squirmed when I said the "m" word, glancing quickly around for a place in which to jump up in case one should magically appear.

They, of course, asked what HE had done to take of the problem and I told them I honestly didn't know, but that he left the house after our "discussion" and returned 30 minutes later. I assume he was taking care of it.

That night I managed to hear, "I put a trap behind the TV, that's where he's living..." before I could shut him up. Seriously, he's not gettin it, here.

Day 11
I asked my friend at work the if she would talk to DH for me and she gently told me she wasn't my marriage counselor.

Day 13

With the mouse crisis, had I totally forgotten about the ants. My kids however, reminded me. I noticed they continued to expand their colony. I mixed up a batch of my nontoxic lethal ant eliminator and asked DH to move the paneling and molding to sprinkle the stuff.

This particular ant killer stuff worked wonders on carpenter ants in another house we lived in. I even used to sprinkle the mixture around the perimeter of my house in the spring and fall to help curb infestations.

So, after the doing the same here, I felt the problem was solved and went back to obsessing about the mouse, which was apparently living in my TV cart amongst the videos (!).

Needless to say he hasn't bitten on the trap.

Day 14

Last night, I dreamt of things crawling on me and woke up CONVINCED there was "something" in the bed. After stripping off all the covers, I found nothing, but I couldn't be too sure, so I spent the rest of the night in the chair.

I know the mouse trap thing is probably not "humane", but at this point the nighttime temperatures are below freezing already. So, the mouse would either die a long and painful death outside OR a quick death inside.

At least, that's what I am telling myself to appease this weird sense of guilt I seem to have all of a sudden. Besides, I am having people over this weekend...

Day 18

The ants did not like the killer powder I mixed up. But it didn't kill them, they just pushed it out from under the molding. Kind of like they were saying, no thanks. I have considered other options:

• the world's tiniest mouse trap, modified for ants?
  
• a trail of ant crystals leading, them to the patio doors, but then what? I can't leave the screen open for them, they'll invite friends in. I know, a trail leading them in a circle to tire them out. the ones who aren't in shape might have a heart attack? OK scratch that one.
• nighttime surveillance, using DH's hunting equipment?
  

Maybe it will take some time.

Day 19

Ding dong the mouse is dead, I mean the mouse has passed on. I didn't ask about it, but found the TV cart moved back against the wall when I returned from work. A silent communication that DH has done his job and protected me. Maybe I'll have to thank him later.

But the ants? They are just mocking me now, openly mocking me. I found a stray meatball left from dinner under the kitchen table this morning, literally covered with ants and a long, wide path of ants stretching to the next room. That's it!!!! I am done being passive and nice about this! I am bringing out the big artillery. That's right, I am going to FEED my ants food from my pantry.

Day 21

Well they took my bait. They are loving the special food I put out for them. Bet you're wondering what it is. It is instant grits, believe it or not. Apparently the grits expand once they are in the ants tummy's and while their small backs are FREAKISHLY strong, their tummies are not.

I know that sounds morbid, but what's a gal gonna do here? I can't set them free, can I? And soon I will have come to terms with the small black dots in my son's poop...


Day 24
Guess what? The ants who took the bait must have little iron tummies. And I guess I have inadvertently trained the rest not to trust me.

I was seriously considering something I never thought I'd do. I mean, really, how much damage can 1 application of pesticides do to us?

Then I shook that off as a deal with the devil. And I was rewarded by an angel.



Photo credits: ceoln, emily999

i've done something bad

So, apparently I am not so smart with the computers. I've done something bad to my laptop and although I've tried verbal counseling, I can't seem to get it to forgive me.

Last week my car must've thought I was cursing it when someone cut me off, because I swear my brakes immediately started all this whining and carrying on. Either that or my car is actually trying to get me to hit the driver who cut me off.

Hmmm. Is that a viable defense?

Now the power steering is in and out.

Could it be my car is trying to kill me? I mean I've only missed an oil change here or there.

At the offline job, I actually used up an entire flash drive with ALL the fun paperwork I've been doing.

And back to the home laptop. I am typing this from DH's computer. While I am NOT knocking the computer (maybe just a little), I have to say it's kind of hard using this as coffee was somehow spilled on the keyboard (not sure how that happened), so some keys are really sticky.

Add to the mix that fact that I am at my peek of busyness at the offline job and here you have it: if I haven't already done something bad to bring on the tech issues, I'm going to really soon.

layout change?

Yes, I am considering another layout change and would like readers and followers to weigh in on the issue.

As I am constantly looking for ways to improve things at yournontoxiclife, I have been seeking out constructive criticism. I have been told I am a bit too cutsie and perhaps too much "best friend" ish, with the current layout.

Now, this was a critique I asked for and I do admit to choosing this particular layout out of emotion, rather than professionalism.

Sometimes a girl just needs to get her cutsie on.

So, now I would like to hear from folks who have been around for a few posts.

Here are the questions on my mind:

1. would it hurt to try to professionalize this blog a bit more?
2. what if I kept a lil cutsie on the side?
3. do layout changes bug the $h!t out of you?
4. do you have any suggestions for updating things?

Thanks in advance for taking the time to comment about this!

facebook flirting

yes, I caved to peer pressure and joined Facebook.

I had many concerns: security and privacy (of course), fear of not having many "friends", fear of being bothered by people who bug me and fear of over committing myself.

So, I learned about the security settings.  (You can even block people!)  I learned how to set things so only my peeps can see old, fat pics of me.  And I found I had friends!  Many friends!  Old, childhood friends, church friends, high school friends and even former workplace friends.

I also found I can keep in touch with the vast majority of them right on Facebook, when I have time.

The thing I didn't plan for was the friends of friends who I happened to have been once involved with, or wished I had been involved with or just knew in a different time.  A category I like to call: The Might Have Been's.

Now there are not many MHB's in my life. Just enough, though that they seem to be spread out among all my old and new friends.

And the MHB's are a friendly, joking group.  However, some have been a little too friendly, even bordering on flirtation.  I have even asked around (in real life) if there is a written policy on flirting I might peruse.  You see, I have not been hit on or flirted with in MANY years and frankly, I don't know how to handle this.

The answer I got back from one friend, via a text message, was: "Here is the policy: NO FLIRTING!".

Oh.  OK.  So how do I handle it when someone ELSE is, oh I don't know, talking about childhood crushes and being in town for the week???

So far, I have handled it the way I handle any tough problems in my life, I ignore them for awhile, then post about them.

If anyone else has any ideas on how to handle Facebook or any other kind of flirting, please comment.  I'd love to hear some ideas on how to handle this without alienating anyone, or worse, embarrassing myself!

 

female role models, do you know of any?

Uploaded by Army.mil on 14 Nov 08, 11.53AM PDT.

Recently, I spoke to a few young girls I know and the topic of women uniting came up. We talked about how we all have to stick together.

I brought up examples of how women still haven't achieved equality, including the fact that there isn't a National Holiday in the US honoring a woman.

• In January, we have Dr. Martin Luther King Day. A great day to celebrate the civil rights we have and acknowledge our present (and numerous) shortcomings. Dr.King is one of my personal heroes, but he isn't a woman.

• In February, we have President's Day. Since we haven't had a female president yet, this isn't what I am looking for.

• In March, we have Casimir Pulaski day. Yep, he's a he.

• In April, there is Easter. And guess what? Even the Easter bunny is a he. Who decided that? I mean after all he's delivering eggs which must have come from a female at some point...

• In May there is Memorial Day. This holiday actually honors women, too, but it's not just about a great woman. In May we also have Mother's Day and let's face it, it's a little Card Holiday-ish at this point (but thanks honey, anyway!).

• In June, we have Father's Day, which is a male Card Holiday. (And also a necktie Holiday.)

• In July we have Independence Day,which is more of celebration of a concept than a person.

• In August, I can't think of anything.

• In September, the girls said, we have a Holiday honoring women. Really? I asked, which one? Labor Day, they told me. Very funny. Though I believe some of Labor Day had to do with women's work, it's not exclusive.

• In October, there is Columbus Day. A great explorer sent by a queen, but the holiday is in his name, not hers.

• In November, there is Veteran's Day, which does now also honor women, but again not exclusive to any one woman.

• Then we have December and everyone knows Jesus was a man, so...
  

Uploaded by mikebaird on 23 May 09, 3.59PM PDT.

I thought then that these girls and I all might try to come up with a woman after whom we should name a holiday. We sat and thought about it. Hillary came up. Michelle came up. Even Madeleine Albright and Nancy Pelosi came up. OK, the last two were my suggestion.

We thought of Rosa Parks, and Harriet Tubman and Gloria Steinem. Then of course someone brought up Faith Hill, Barbara Walters and Oprah. But sadly enough, there wasn't one woman out there that seemed to have accomplished enough to get herself a holiday.

Uploaded by ego technique. on 13 Feb 09, 5.56PM PDT.

At this point, I was so ashamed I couldn't think of one woman who should get a Holiday out of the many, many woman who have contributed immensely to our progress.

I need some help here because I am really disgusted with myself. PLEASE comment in on who you think deserves a holiday and forgive me for failing on this.

sneezing is not my friend

I used to love sneezing.  It was like a little you-know-what.  It felt good.  And I must say, I sneeze neat.  No tissue needed or flying moisture to duck from.

But now, after pushing children forth and getting older, BAD things happen when I sneeze:

1. I split my lip
2. I pee (just a little so no one even knows)
3. I toot (not every time)
4. people stare (why is this?)
5. the staring people do NOT always bless me after (what's with THAT?)

Therefore, I am now a sneeze hater.  I will try whatever to stall such sneeze, including holding my nose, covering my face with my hands and drinking water.  If all else fails, I haul butt to the nearest ladies room to sneeze and recover. 

Anyone else who has a good method to stall a sneeze, please comment below.   Allergy season is starting and I'm starting to panic...

i deserve Cheetos

So I decided to have Cheetos for dessert tonight, does that tell you what kind of day I am having?

It really started last night, when my eyes began to bother me.  I chalked it up to exhaustion and went to bed.  When the alarm sounded, I noticed my vision was extremely blurry.  I splashed cold water on my eyes, meditated and went down for my morning yoga, anyway.  

Although the whole time I exercised, I obsessively thought about my eye problem which I was sure was pink eye.  I then thought about how my child's eyes seemed red the previous night and I decided I had probably given the whole house my conjunctivitis.   Then came the issue of when I could get us all to our respective doctor's offices for prescriptions, let alone the $8 eye liner I had just bought and would have to throw out.

After exercising and obsessing, I came back up to brush my teeth and put in my contacts.  I decided the glasses could wait until I had a diagnosis.  

When I went to get my contacts, I realized the lids had been left off the case.  How could I forget to put in solution?  I squinted into the deep wells, picturing small little dried up contacts, but the case was empty.  Where were my contacts?

I glanced around the bathroom.  I guess I thought they could be just sitting out on a counter somewhere.  It was then I decided to look closely in the mirror.  Yes, I was wearing the stupid contacts the whole time.  

That's why my eyes hurt last night and why I woke up with blurry vision.  That's why I obsessed through yoga about putting drops in my toddler's eyes.

It's time for Cheetos.

walking away from a fight?

Not long ago, I found out a friend's child was being bullied in school. Her father talked to me at length about the problem and how it was likely this other little charmer was going to "beat up" his daughter. With having two older brothers, she was up for the challenge. Maybe too up for it.

Her dad was worried that she would actually hurt this other little girl. So, he basically told his daughter to walk away at all costs, even if it meant walking away with a bloody nose. He said it was the right thing to do.

Now, I am a peace loving gal, don't get me wrong. However, at that point in the conversation I had to keep my thoughts to myself. But I can tell you I was thinking, if this little brat hits your kid first she should get hit back. It's only right, right?

Isn't self-defense a valid policy in which people don't get judged or even charged if they are defending themselves?

But then it was Martin Luther King Day. The next day we swore in President Obama as the first African American US president. The president credited Dr. King with making this possible. I was so thankful to Dr. King for this. I felt like I was actually seeing part of his dream with my own eyes. It made me proud to be a US citizen, once again.

I had an "Ah-ha" moment. Dr. King preached non-violence as a way to resist what is unfair. I think my friend is trying to teach this to his daughter in the most relevant way possible.

It IS wrong to hit back. It just continues the violence. How does it end? With a teacher breaking it up, probably. But does that really settle it? The answer is no. If she walks away (and gets help) she stands a chance of actually settling it. She actually walks away stronger.

Good for her.

how's the diet goin?

At this point, we are one month into 2009, and I am scheduled to write something about how many people's new year's resolutions are goin down the crapper.  I avoided all this myself, by not making any new year's resolutions!  

The best way to not fail is to not try, after all!

Seriously, I am sick (read: jealous) of hearing about how successful some people have been, especially with diets.  I mean, isn't it just understood that new year's diets are doomed from the start?  

So, I have scoured the internet and found an article to hinder, I mean help.  No, I do mean hinder-successful dieters.  Enjoy!

i just wanted a new cable company

That's all. I thought, OK, new year, time to finally change the phone, Internet and cable. After all, I have been putting up with overpriced, crappy service for many years and there's a new company in town. Why not?

My history with my current company goes back quite a few years. They were my first cable company from before I met my husband. They gave me my first monthly fee cable box and my first taste of MTV, HBO and the OJ Simpson trial in its entirely.

Some would say my connection to them sounds sentimental. But I think it's just a comfort level. Over all these years, I've become accustomed to: rising nickel and dime fees, the cost of replacing remote controls and the additional expenses of digital phone and high speed Internet. I have gotten used to the long hold times and unreliable installers when we moved. But the cable company always followed me. And I was fine with that. I knew what to expect. It was the known evil.

Then a new cable company came to town. At first, I ignored their shiny white vans and sparkling brochures. Bu then I talked to people who took the plunge and saw their remotes. Very different from mine. Weird. Actually kind of wrong. Messed up. NOT the remote control I was used to.

But then this year I decided enough is enough. I am paying way too much for so little and the new company offers actual customer service, sustainable low prices and better options. I could have a DVR!

I went online and found a deal with cash back, DVR, and more channels. I did my online application and hit "confirm" before I could chicken out.

I counted down the days until the date of installation I had selected on their website. The two hour window came and went. Something just didn't smell right. At 2:01 pm I called. At 2:25 pm I spoke to someone who transferred me to dispatch. He talked to me for 6 minutes, told me he couldn't help me and gave me a number to call. They told me there was no installation scheduled because my Internet application never went through. She said the people she needed to consult with to get to the bottom of this were busy. It was now 3:01 pm. She offered to call me back.

At 3:21 my phone rang and it was them! She began going through what I was sure was a preinstallation checklist. But then I began to realize her questions were so basic I was back at square one; as in I was signing up for the first time. It was now 3:29 and almost 90 minutes of my life was gone. Never to be returned.

I had also heard so many times, "I'm so sorry." that I wanted to throw up.  I hung up. The new cable dream was dead.

At least I can take comfort in my remote control, right?

cut the drama, queen!

OK, so I have been told I am a bit of a drama queen at times. And OMG! I'm so not. However, just in case there might be a teensy bit of maybe in there, I am willing to consider it. So I've done a drama evaluation of my life and come up with the following:

• I may have some shopping cart rage
• I get sucked into other people's drama ALL THE TIME
• When I have been on the phone with customer service and they apologize 85 times, I become, well, let's say, unaccepting of any more I'm so sorries.
• Don't mess with my kids. Let's leave it at that.

So, now that I have found evidence that there actually is a slight bit of truth in the accusation that I am a drama queen, I am going to show how un-dramatic I can be in solving this.

First, at the check out, I have been experimenting with letting the other person go first in a shopping cart face off. I like the feeling that I decide they will go first. I am still in control, so it's working so far.

Second, ALL the other people and their dramatic lives. Seriously. This is a doozie. I think my real problem here is I just care too much. OK, not really, but I do think I take in other people's troubles as if they were my own. Shocking, coming from a social worker, I know. So, I am trying to be sympathetic, but no too involved in all the issues my friends and coworkers seem to have on an ongoing basis.

Third, the customer service thing is when my inner b*&ch really comes out. I am trying to write the customer service people's names down while I talk to them and focus on the fact that they didn't personally try to screw me, it was their company. And also focus on the fact that their job has to suck when they deal with people like me. I'm getting so much better.

Lastly, I get very defensive when people criticize my kids. I mean they might be little deviants but they are my deviants. Whatever they do, they probably learned from Mommy so that crap always feels like it is aimed right at me. But lately I am trying to be more of a team player parent. So with that in mind, maybe the little buggers actually learned some of this stuff from DADDY. I might be onto something there; I'll just redirect my rage. Problem solved.

You're Welcome

I recently put quite a door ding on the unoccupied car next to mine. I could have easily driven away; I knew the person was in a long line in the store I had just left.


I didn't hesitate with my decision and $125 later I am walking around with a clear conscience, but a bewildered mind.


The lady whose car I dented has thanked me numerous times. After I sent her my check, she sent me an actual Thank You card. Yes, that's right, it was as if I had given her a present or done her a favor, just by being honest.


Since when is honesty considered a present or favor? I thought it was more like an expectation, an assumption. This means, of course, that this very young lady has had some expereinces in which others were less than honest. I somehow have impressed her with just doing the right thing.


Has this very young lady's generation already become so jaded by dishonest people that I can expect more Thank You cards in the years to come? I hope not.

Christmas in July?

A friend recently admitted to me that she has already started her Christmas shopping. This was something I had heard of from others. Still, I wasn't sure what to think. Is this a sign of good planning and organization? Or does this behavior cross the line into compulsiveness and toxicity?

Not knowing her exact situation, I can find a lot of nontoxic usefulness in this kind of behavior. For example, planning-we all know Christmas comes the same date every year. And if you've ever been the person who waited until the last minute, you know the true meaning of toxic stress. So, it seems that planning for the big day is a good idea.

Also, this does seem like good organization. To know who you have to buy for and what you will get them requires one to stay on top of the list, check it twice and all that.

But could it be compulsive? Compulsive behavior is something one does to relieve an obsession. I have seen this up close and the person usually has no control over the behavior. A person who was truly being compulsive wouldn't be able to have any kind of control and probably wouldn't have waited until July to start her Christmas shopping.

Gee, I think I actually bought some things for Christmas in January. What does that mean?

Merry Christmas!